Open Me Up And You Will See A Gallery Of Broken Hearts

You are killing me, and ripping me into shreds. You walked into my life but all I know is pain. I tried so hard not to let you go. Your good look was the start of my miseries. You can't hear it that I am in pain, you can't see it that I am in pain, you can't feel it when I am in pain. All you ever know is just about yourself. I feel emotionally abused and verbally abused. I don't cry because I don't want you to see the tears. Cause if I were to shed a single tear for you, I am losing the battle. Outside, I may seem happy but inside there’s alot of things that I will never tell you. You always say I don't understand you. However, it seems that you DON'T understand me. Or you never bothered to. Soon, you will see it, this pain that you caused. Soon, you will hear it, this pain that you caused. Soon, you will feel it, this pain that you caused. The colours are turning grey, I never wanted it to be this way. I loved you so much, I'm lost without your touch. I would never let you down but you just left me on the ground and didn't look back. Everything from the beginning was a mistake. I should have known this would have happened. Why did I get myself involved. I might not be in this confused state right now. Save me the hassle of being hurt and always being insecure. I guess dragging myself in this relationship, indeed as what my friends concluded, are somewhat true. Hurt, pain and betrayal. But the longer I dragged, I can't let go. I want to go out and see the flowers. I want to have a life where I can actually feel. Hahaha, jeez, no point in grieving, after all this is the path I chose. I chose this life for myself. I can't blame it on anyone but myself. I feel really depressed. Your friends, they are getting on my nerves, soon. What a whole loads of craps! Like I mentioned, I regretted. I regretted the moment I met you, if I hadn't. My life might be slightly better being single. I am exhausted of being paranoid. I am exhausted of trying to make me the only one in your heart. I am exhausted of being blinded by hatred and fury. I am exhausted of taking in your bullshit. And I am exhausted of your deception and lies. Don't say you love me, if you don't fucking say it right from the bottom of your heart. Because lies hurts more than you ever know it. I don't want you to take love as a game to toy around with feelings.In love, someone will win. Someone will lose. Watching you walk away, just with me alone. Drowsed with shame. I am afraid to play the game. Ashamed of letting you do this to me. When you say you love me, it makes me cringe with uneasiness inside because I never know whether it is the truth or not. Now I am just a puppet, dangling from the strings that you control.I want to scream, I want to shout, I want to cry till my well run dry. I lose control when I hold too tight. And when I fall asleep, she plagued my dreams. 30 bits of glasses become my teeth. I lose my mind when I lose control, my own heart is afraid of an attack and he thinks it is foolish. I want to throw it all away even without knowing what I am throwing. I want to run like a coward to the door. It hurts to know that I am in love with my doubt. All he knows is to leave me in the ditch and never really intend to understand how I feel. I want to be strong. I want to face my demons. I don't want to cry to show him my weakness because that would mean I am surrendering. I loved you every second, of every hour and of every days. Adored every smile you gave and how close you would stay. I had decided to make your statement true. I've gone ahead and cheated on you. I actually thought that you loved me, I guess I was wrong. I trusted and love you, now I don't know. I don't if I trust you, if I love you. Everything is just so confusing, all different stories. Why won't you tell me the truth? How could you do this to me? I would have never thought of doing it to you and then denying that it had happened.
There's no more 'I love you' back to me anymore. No more late nights, just you and me. There isn’t any weekends getaway. Or early arrival on holidays. Now, it's just his games or his friends that need him. I should have seen this coming. I thought I can change a cheater but a cheater never wins.

This is the most horrendous week I’ve went through ever since the day I lost my wallet. Gahhhhh. What a pity. It carries my identity card, ez-link, staff pass, name tag, lots of complimentary tix, nets card, pictures, working schedule dates and everything that I ever needed. ): FML. Now I’m praying real hard that the person who found my wallet would be a kind soul. (:
It has definitely been tough for me to go through all these shits, but I'm still here. It didn't exactly brought about positive end results, or side effects for that matter. One day, I'm telling myself that it would all be over, the next day I don't really care if it would ever be over cause I've resort to other solutions. It may not be all positive, but that's how I want it to be, that's how I choose life to be for me.

Back to today. Mum’s ezlink made me so paiseh when I was boarding the bus to school. It was left with a pathetic 6cents. And since I only got cash notes with me, I had no choice but to get down the bus and call my lifeline. With dad’s help, he asked me to cabbed down to school. Freaking cost me 6bucks -.-
Apart from that, CA today was quite okayy. Gahhhhh. Sharul would be laughing when he reads this. Heeee. Angie lee is so smelly and noisy today.

The long awaited holidays would be here soon. This means, more working days which equals to more money moneyy. ((:
And ohh, Christmasss SALESSSSS, do come fast, do come fast. I need some retail therapy badly.

Goodnight sweetworld.
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A GREAT TALKER, A GREAT LIAR.

Trust is a fragile thing, once earned, it affords us tremendous freedom. But once trust is lost, it can be impossible to recover. Of course the truth is, we never know who we can trust. Those we're closest to can betray us, and total strangers can come to our rescue. In the end, most people decide to trust only themselves. It really is the simplest way to keep from getting burned. You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough. Be very careful about who you trust as you just might find that those who you placed all your trust will in time use it as a game and hurt you. So never trust anyone other than yourself .

Do you know what girls really want ? They want real conversations and real love . We want cute dates together , nothing expensive . The truth is we only want to be with you . We want to hold hands and lie beneath the stars . We wanna be able to say something stupid and not worry about it . We want a guy that will love us for nothing being us. And I know that deep inside me, that you’re NOT that one guy.

I FUCKING NEED TIME TO HEAL OVER EVERY SHITS OF YOURS.
your worthless, you are a failure, you are a liar and I hate you.

I HATE THE FACT THAT YOU SAY THAT YOU MISS ME BUT YOU DO NOTHING ABOUT IT.
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Schools is so DEAD yesterday. Everyone came for just a 2hour grooming lesson. Waittt, that's not even school. Today's WORSE. See, that's what I meant when I said I ABHOR school to the core. CA is just around the corner and even the teachers are not doing anything. This just sucksss.

Do You Look At Yourself As The Sum Of Your Weakness And Failures?
Most of us have a problem with our self image. I think the root of the problem is that we do not really know who we are. Typically our self image is based on the opinion of others. Growing up, we have been labelled and branded by a lot of names, mostly based from our weakness and failures.
You will never amount to anything.
“Don’t let your biggest obstacle be yourself.”
Why do we constantly need reaffirmation to feel good about ourselves? Snap out of it please.

♥♥♥

Just a quick thought about you and I. What we have is simple. I think you're afraid I need it to be so much more. And me, I just want everything to stay as it is. Each breath of mine is spent gasping suspension hoping nothing changes but I am certain it won't because you make me believe everything can be good. You will always be the sun-sized yes in my world of no. You happened and happens rather than almost-happened. Despite my fascination with the impossible, you remind me that sometimes, it's all possible. Xoxo.
Love,everyday is a surprise. What luck is this to wake up and he'd be there and surprises of mood, of depth, shifting. I never know what might happen. All quiet before the storm. In admission of my own flaws. I am never bored. I always know why I am there. I wake up and I am lucky. Since we got together, my heart kinda stops every time I read/hear his name. Even if the text isn't referring to him or coming from the lips of a stranger while on the bus. The smallest of butterfly wings, folding, to muffle any unexpected excitement. From the first time I met him, I was so eager, being just eager is an understatement, tummy churning. I was late. My eyes sieved through the crowd and when our eyes met, 2 metres apart, I thought to myself, hi or hello? Hug or shake hands? 42 months later, today, I still cannot even explain how good it feels to look up across a room and see him standing there. Happy 42nd my dear boy :>
But of cos there are things that you do that can make me tick really bad but when I set aside time to sit down and count my blessings for all these months, the good always overpowers the bad. I love the way you genuinely love me quietly, wholeheartedly. I know you do.
So please don't stray, don't ever go away.

Lastly, Happy Hari Raya Haji. ^^

This week flew pretty fast. I didn't realize i had not blogged for a week? Or more? A teeny weeny bit of stuffs which i should pen down here.

Yet another day in daze. If only I travel in speed, I'll move on faster than that lightning. I don't see why I should be in one spot, when I can actually move around to loosen things up. I'm having a seriously hard time waking up in the morning during school days. And that means, it affects my attendance for the classes that starts pretty early. I have no idea why but I think I need more sleep! Brain isin't working either but trying my best to get my mind to serious shit when I'm in school. No more bitching, laughing like a goon, no more acting all funny. Ella and Sharul, you hear me?

And I was thinking, what if I have the moon, the sun and the star together among the clouds? Which one should I pick?

I promised to post up my pictures of my outing with B, Wafi brother’s wedding, Rizal, Swensen’s ice-cream buffet, and much more but I am too lazy because there's plenty of them& my computer will definitely froze while uploading. Will just see my mood then.

Sometimes silence is bliss, but most of the time it cuts you deep. I just stay on and enjoy whatever that is left. Painful to go through but there is no other way. Some things fall randomly just like passing clouds but when the sun is shinning straight at you, embrace every inch of heat upon your skin. Phases are just phase that are bound to happen but mistakes are best to happen once not twice.

Damn if I could change my life right now, I would not be this deep underground. It feels like I'm gasping for air, as if I was being buried alive. I'm twirling around in this massive whirlwind, going in circles then being thrown to some redundant land that nobody knows about. I crawl to find shelter but the land is so bare with brown soil that I'm left stranded, waiting for another powerful bustle to sweep me off my feet again. Hoping that I'm being thrown to another place where nature exist. Bare brown soil is nothing great to see, I thought to myself. The moment that thought strike me, I thought again. "You need soil to grow nature". "Would I go back in time to get back to where I first landed? Or move on to discover that whole new world?"

My life has been pretty silly lately. But having the close ones around would definitely make you smile wide. I just happen to think and spill it out to my family, friends and Rizal that there's something missing in my life. All I know, I was there when you needed me. But now, you've been pulled by some other party which left us unsaid. Someday I pray and hope that you realized whatever you're doing is right.
God bless.

Okay, fast forward to today, school is vv draggy. This time, its really boring and its driving me nuts. The lessons are getting boring everyday. But WFB is the worst, i can only be very attentive for the first 15mins and aft that, I’ll bury my head down with my hands covering my face. TPS and SVE and LIFESKILL is boring too. Everything in school is boring, period.

Ok I don't wanna keep on rambling but I'll tell you about how school goes about. Its been raining lately, I like the rain, more hours of beauty sleep. As usual, school's dead with a very countable number of students even possible to count them with my fingers and toes. Gahhh. And everyone would be eating in school since the walking distance out is sucha killer adding to the rainy days too, I've been spending heaps of my penny on food. Two word, bloody pig. Sickening faces of lecturers day by day, from super old ass whiny whore hag to a paranoid students and schoolmates. It turns out to something to laugh at and not knowing that I will be having an upcoming test, soon. With those kinda lecturers, geez God..........

I think I'm going to hell.

Not forgetting, I had my first ice-cream buffet today. The first plate has already spoiled my mood to continue eating. Hahas. Sharul is already dying in front of me.
Thanks Sharul, for being a great friend today. Yummy yummy. (:

Okayy cut me some slack, its quite surprising to have me updating on what has been happening. Enough already.